Tuesday, May 16

Out of the Darkness

7:30a.m., Tuesday morning. I awake to the dark overcast skies, drizzled with cold rain. How befitting for the emotions I am experiencing. Kaya, our cat constantly rubbing on my feet, wanting fed. I pick her up, carry her down the stairs, as she lays her head against my shoulder.
Hmmm, she knows....Her behavior no longer psycho bitch as she is suddenly calm and nurturing.

As I make a pot of coffee, I wash the left over coffee mugs from family and friends the night before, thinking of the episode last night. Craig, exhausted by the current life changing event, sits on the edge of the bed, talking with people who exist solely to him.
For this first time, I am outsider in the life we share. As I approach the bedside with his evening medications, I realize that this moment, this second...I am full of anger, fear and saddness. For this brief moment, I am angry at God. Why?! Why won't you do something......You are the omnipotent being, the Creator. FIX HIM ! FIX HIM NOW! Within seconds, I hear “Sandi - “I despise Death! I am, who I say I am. Be still, and know that I am your Creator” .

I laugh to myself, not only is Craig hearing voices, I am having a conversation with God. As Craig and I lay down in our bed, I noticed that he is tormented in the continuation of seeing and hearing people around him. Without hesitation, I lean over and cradle him as a mother with her child, and I begin to pray. Moments later, Craig finds peace, and he sleeps. His sleep undisturbed. Contentment finds its home. Thank you Lord. Why, have I not prayed before? It's not as if I did not know what to do. I lay there in the quiet darkness of our room, asking myself what have I been thinking? Truth beknown, I was thinking of myself... my sorrow...my pain.,,,, It was at this instant, I let go. I finally “LET GO”. You see, this is not about me, nor is this about each of you, This is about lessons we learn through life's experiences. For me, I needed the lesson in TRUST! A co-worker once said to me, “Sandi, you don't trust” anyone, do you?! Well, of course not, if I do, I lose control.

AH HA! that is what this has been about. In being honest with myself, my lesson is to accept that:
(1.) I did not cause it. (2) I can not change it. (3) I can not cure it. I am NOT this powerful.

Once I accept life on life's terms, my days will be filled with love, contentment and joy. No regrets No words left unsaid.
Finally having peace with myself, knowing that our life is filled with an abundance of Love and Joy. Dark day?......I think not.

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